Breastfeeding. Is. Hard. Okay, so I’m only 6 weeks in, but I keep asking myself, “Why did nobody tell me it would be this hard?”
Before I get into this, I want it to be known that I am sharing my journey with breastfeeding because I wish I would have heard or read things like this before I got started. I wanted the realness of it all. So here's to all the future mamas out there thinking about or considering breastfeeding, this is something I would have wanted to read. *I also want to say that there is no "mom-shaming" here. I believe fed is best. So whether you bottle fed or breastfed or are choosing to bottle feed or breastfeed, you, mama, are a rockstar!
Lets start from the beginning. I had always known that I wanted to try breastfeeding. My mom breastfed all four of my sisters and me, and her mom, my Mammaw, breastfed all five of her children. I come from a very pro-breastfeeding family. I wanted to breastfeed because I wanted to experience what God created the woman body to do. I am truly in awe of my God. The fact that He created my body to not only create a human life and carry it inside me but also He created my body to be able to sustain and physically grow my child. I am amazed by the beauty of it all.
So now let's jump in - here's where it all began for me. Breastfeeding in the hospital is kind of all a blur. What I can say is that we weren't great at it, but we attempted to breast feed at every feeding, and I pumped after every feed. Most times he wasn't able to get a full feed in through breastfeeding, so we supplemented. Then I would pump. Every. Three. Hours. Pumping felt like a chore. When Hudson was in the NICU they gave him bottles of formula until I was able to pump enough to give him breastmilk. But even then, they would fortify my breastmilk by adding formula to it to make it a higher calorie content for Hudson's growth. I was only allowed to solely breastfeed Hudson 3 to 4 times a day (meaning if he actually took a full feed at the breast) and the rest of his feedings needed to be fortified breastmilk or formula. Breastfeeding in the NICU was the hardest. It was so much easier and better once we got home. It felt more natural and more comfortable. The NICU nurses and doctors stressed how important breastfeeding/the offering of breastmilk was for Hudson‘s recovery. So I did everything I could, and everything they told me to, so I could bring my son home.
For me, the "hard stuff" about breastfeeding wasn't the typical "hard stuff" I heard women talk about. An incorrect latch. Dry and cracked nipples. Engorged breasts. I could keep going. Yes, I'm sure that stuff can really be hard on some women. For me it wasn't. For me, this was the hard stuff...
Once we were home, I felt chained to my home. Some days I thought to myself, Will I ever leave the house again? Will I ever feel like myself again? I knew that my son needed to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours, and I also knew that it took him anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes to finish a full feed. That left me with anywhere from 1.5 to 2 hours of time in between feeds where I could possibly leave the house. But if I did leave the house then I would be rushing home just to get back in time to feed him again, because I don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding in public. As the weeks went on, this got easier. We took it step by step. At first they were baby steps. First, we started with getting out and making it to the doctor's appointments, then next it was going to Lilee's one hour basketball games. We just keep taking it day by day.
Not every feed was easy. Sometimes I just couldn’t get him to latch. Sometimes it would take me an hour just to get him to settle down enough or even wake up enough to actually latch on, stay latched, and eat. Now, this definitely isn’t something we really struggle with anymore, and it really did get easier as both Hudson and I learned and grew in this experience. But those first few weeks, in those moments, I just wanted to give up and give him a bottle.
The hardest thing for me in those first few weeks was making it through the nights. The sleep deprivation is real. The exhaustion is no joke. This was probably the hardest part on Brandon and me both. Since my son has been born I haven’t gotten more than a 3.5 to 4 hour stretch of sleep. When Hudson wakes up in the middle of the night, I have to be the one to get up and feed him. I'm the one with the boobs. Some nights I could barely function, yet it’s my job to get myself awake enough to get my son to latch, stay latched, and get a good feed. And mind you, the feeding process would take anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes, where as he could finish a bottle within 10 to 15 minutes. In the first few weeks we were home, we were instructed by the NICU to keep giving him bottles of fortified breastmilk or formula 3 to 4 times a day. So in the middle of the night we would wake up, and I would attempt to breastfeed. If he wasn't breastfeeding well, I would then have to get a bottle ready to feed him. Some nights I would give him the bottle myself or I would wake Brandon up to feed him. Then I would pump, to protect my milk supply since he was bottle feeding. That process sometimes would take up to an hour and a half. Some nights I would just wake up crying because I was so tired I didn’t want to have to go through the process. I thought to myself and even said to Brandon how much easier it would be to just solely bottle feed him. Because then we could sleep! Or take turns sleeping. We could take turns feeding him while the other got a good nights sleep.
The hard stuff was really hard. But I can truly say it does get better. It does get easier. You do
start to leave the house again. You start to feel like yourself. Breastfeeding gets more comfortable. Pumping gets more manageable. The nights don't feel as hard. Everyone told me it would get easier, it would get better. I didn't believe them. But I am here to say, they were right. It really does get easier. Breastfeeding is a journey. There are highs and lows. Hudson and I still are not pros at this, but each day is better than the last.
Even in the midst of the really hard stuff, for me, the pros out weighed the cons. Seeing that my breastmilk made Hudson stronger and helped bring him home, pro. Knowing that if my son gets sick, my breastmilk creates antibodies to fight that sickness for him, pro. Knowing that my body knows exactly what my son needs and my breastmilk will change to produce whatever it is that he needs, pro. The bond, major pro. Seeing my son grow and be fulfilled from something of my own body is indescribable. And like I said earlier, soaking in the fact that not only did God create my body to be able create, grow, and carry this child but He also created my body to be able to physically take care of my son and keep him alive. It’s truly such an incredible thing. I think it's the only reason I got through the hard stuff.
Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to comment below any encouragement you have for new mamas out there! XOXO Lydia Grace
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